I have made a commitment more sacred then any other vow in life might be. I will never, not one more time, ever eat at Wienerschnitzel’s again. If you haven’t eaten here, you must. It will give you the experience you need to enjoy other crappy fast food establishments, such as McDonald’s, to their fullest. Words simply cannot describe how awful the food at Wienerschnitzel’s is, but don’t worry, their very own home page tries to do the impossible. Their little buzz line is, “Pushing the Boundaries of Taste.” That was an actual quote. I didn’t throw in the random uppercase letters on every other word; they did that all on their own. It turns out that Wienerschnitzel’s has made a new rule! The words ‘Boundaries’ and ‘Taste’ are now proper nouns, and should be upper case from here on out. That being said, should fast food chains be pushing the Boundaries of Taste? (notice how I followed their new writing convention to prevent confusion between boundaries and Boundaries and between taste and Taste?) I have had some awfully tasty food in my life, and none of it has ever come from a ‘fast food’ chain. Fast and good are not synonymous for one another. Wienerschnitzel’s knows this, and they would agree. The fact is, is that most people would assume that “Pushing the Boundaries of Taste” means that they are Pushing the Boundaries to be better. Don’t be mislead. This actually means that Wienerschnitzel’s is seeing just how bad they can make their product (do I dare call this food?) before one of two things happens. 1) They go out of business due to lack of business due to lack of quality due to their awful ‘campaign’ to Push the Boundaries of Taste OR 2) The health inspector closes this excuse for an eating establishment and thereby Pushes his (or her) Boundaries for the level of stupid he has had to put out of business.

The next indication on their very own home page which throws up the red flag is the fact that they refer to their frozen desert as a “Tastee Freez.” Perhaps by avoiding the obvious ‘real’ words which come to mind; tasty and freeze, they can free themselves from the threat of false advertisement, which I can only imagine has been used against them countless times. At least they learned from that specific mistake. This treat is not tasty, but perhaps if you asked them, it would be ‘Tastee’ and “Pushing the Boundaries of Taste.” If one thing is certain, it is that every time I have forced this processed, preservative crammed stuff down my throat, I have had the wonderful experience of becoming ill. Ill like food poisoning. Sometimes food tries to warn you with its taste, but sometimes we don’t listen. In that case, we get sick.

Finally the last indication that this might not be the best place to eat can be found within the section labeled Wiener World. I don’t know where Wiener World is, and I don’t want to go there. Here you will be dazzled by images of overweight and unkempt slobs devouring their luscious items which they lovingly call food. On a particular awful picture, you’ll find a subheading, “Blasting those guns!!!” Someone needs to tell this poor gentleman that those are not ‘guns’, those are large pockets of chili and cheese suspended from his body which must be crying on the inside.

If there is any point or message I hope I have conveyed, it is only eat at Wienerschnitzel’s once, and that is only to see just how good we have it with other fast food chains.